I Should Have Told You

Today, I spent most of my day writing. Not necessarily because I wanted to, at times when my brain stops working, I’ve noticed that my hands continue on. Today, I wrote something that I wanted to share on this site. For some time now I’ve been dancing around the concept of grief, and how society tends to label this as weakness. That sadness has been turned into a disease. That loneliness has been painted as something to be ashamed of. As I’m sure you’ve already figured out by now, there’s an entire world out there that will tell you what to do with your pain.

The reality is, when you miss someone- you’re missing a part of yourself. You miss yourself with that person. You miss who they made you become. You became alive. You became ecstatic, enchanted. You became the best form of yourself. And then out of nowhere.. you weren’t you. Suddenly, you became someone that you weren’t familiar with. You can’t keep a solid thought and your body aches for sleep. You appear okay from the outside, but your mind is screaming in ways you’ve never heard.  Some commercials or foods become unbearable because it was your thing with them. Lisps? Forget it. Grilled cheese sandwhiches? Don’t even think about it.

When you have a person – your person – who makes a undeniable difference in your life, and you lose them, it’s devastating. But learn this from me- missing someone who you love, is not weakness. There is a strength in honoring how we feel.

Here is an excerpt from my journal today.

I wish I could tell you that your laugh is still my favorite sound in the whole world.

I wish I could tell you that when you look me in the eyes- I truly, and undeniably still feel like the most beautiful woman in the room. 

“I wish I could tell you that every piece of advice you gave me, everything you taught me, every word you ever muttered was not taken for granted because now that’s the only words I can hear when I need a little inspiration. Your words were my reminder thaT in your eyes, I was something special.”

I wish I could tell you that not having you in my life still scares the hell out of me.

I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. To see how important you are. To see how much you are loved. To see how kind you are to the world. To see your kind heart and the way you loved. I should have told you all of that and more.

I wish I could tell you I love you- without any hesitation.  I should have told you more. I should not have been so scared to let you know that. 

fin.

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