WELCOME TO ALL GROWN UP – A PLACE WHERE TWENTYSOMETHINGS ASK “THIS IS IT?”
Have you ever noticed that princess’s never suffered from depression? Take Cinderella for example. This chick was, in fact, annoyingly optimistic even as the servant of her malicious step mother. With only a few woodland creatures to call friends, this flawless looking, perpetually benevolent heroine manages to find her prince and ultimate happiness. I can’t even get my cat to look at me, let alone make it sing a duet with me about the beauty of life as we sweep the kitchen floor.
There are too many problems with this story. Everyone is missing the true message.
Cinderella is forced by her catty stepmother to clean the house from floor to ceiling every day. The only thing that prevents her from swallowing a bottle of painkillers with jack is her belief that someday her dreams will come true. The prince down the street throws a killer rager, yet poor Cinderella is forbidden to go.
Luckily, it turns out that Cinderella has a fairy godmother, who uses her magic to hook Cinderella up with a ride, some sweet duds and a pair of grossly impractical glass hooker heels. At the ball Cinderella uses her innate flirting skills and rocks the prince’s world, to the point that the very next day the prince whisks her away to be his princess.
The Supposed Message:
Dreams do come true!
The Actual Message:
If you wait around long enough, the universe will practically just hand shit to you.
Wake up people. We don’t have the time anymore to just wait and expect life to happen. We have only 10 years to enjoy the best decade of our lives. After hours of self-loathing and a bottle on Kendall Jackson, I present to you my 10 ways to take advantage of your 20’s.
1. Never turn down an open bar. Seek them out, find them and make them a priority. Indulge now while you can. Open bars after 30 are just unacceptable because a) people will think you have an alcohol problem and b) you’re supposed to have enough money to afford your own alcohol.
2. Hold on to those hangovers, and never let them go. Hangovers in your 20’s are a gift from God so that you’ll always remember what your tolerance level is. Hangover recovery time is like flippin’ Wolverine in your 20s. You wake up, feel like death, pull on some shades, chug some coffee and maybe a bloody Mary all the while whining about your headache over brunch… When you’re older, every hangover is the apocalypse. I probably won’t make it to brunch because I’ll be on the floor in a weeping puddle of regret.
3. Indulge in Taco Bell at 4 a.m. This is apparently considered depressing behavior once you become a real adult.
4. Have more themed parties. After 30, no one will wear saran wrap out of the house. The only theme parties that exist after your 30’s are Weddings, Baby Showers, and Funerals.
5. Always remember that some boys will always have cooties…now that we’re older, they’re called STD’s.
6. Dress like a whore and make out in bars… after 30, you’re just a desperate cougar.
7. Never date a man with a goatee. It’s just a beard with low self esteem.
8. Be selfish and don’t listen to what others think. Once you stop caring about what others think of you, that is when you stop being a prisoner. Live life the way you want to without worrying about what others are saying or doing. Ultimately, it is your life to live and no one else’s; so never look for any approval except your own.
9. Don’t wait around for good things to come. You have to grab life by the balls and roll with the punches. Remember that life gets much more boring and co-workers get much uglier as you get older.
10. Don’t question any of your decisions. Life is short; it goes by faster than we realize until we are old, looking back on our fast times with nostalgia. So do not waste your time sitting there and replaying all of your decisions, because it is pointless. Save that for when you’re sitting in the retirement home. Since no one can go back in time, it’s time to start living in the present